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Did I make a terrible mistake?

I've just seen this house --

 https://www.trademe.co.nz/a/property/residential/sale/bay-of-plenty/opotiki/opotiki/listing/3554735202

Did I make a terrible mistake? 

I'm sitting here in my lounge of my rental house, bawling my eyes out because I'm so nervous about everything. 

It's overwhelming. 

The puzzle piece is not set down yet

And I feel like I've screwed up again. 


If I find a boarder - then the house and mortgage will work. 

If I don't find a boarder - then the finance date will come and go and I'll not be able to buy the house or get the cash contribution which would help pay the lawyers. 


Have I made a terrible mistake by not waiting to see what other houses would come up?

I feel sick to my stomach. 

Scared about whether I will feel happy there. 

Scared about whether I will find joy there. 

Scared about whether I can afford the mortgage payments on my own if Crystel were to leave or the other boarder moved out. 

Scared about whether it's the right house. 

Scared about whether it is the right house. 

Scared about moving and I still don't feel ready to move into such a flash and beautiful house.

Scared that my animals will wreck the house. 

Scared that I will wreck the house. 

Scared that everything will blow up in my face again. 

Scared that I'll be left bankrupted and left to live a life like nan. Fighting constantly rather than living happily, peaceful and financially free. 

Nervous that this feeling is what is needed to happen before I truly break this mindset that I'm not worthy. That I don't deserve good things. 

Scared that I feel more comfortable in a run down house because I don't feel happy about myaelf. 

Sidenote: I think I drank too much orange juice and my anxiety meds are running out. 

Plus it's nearly 9pm and they should have run out by now. 

Scared that I made a terrible mistake and that the only way to get past it is just to keep moving forward. 

I wanted my villa more than anything. 

A villa sits comfortably within my soul. 

A new house doesn't have soul. 

But it is a great stepping stone. 

What if everything will be fine? 

What if our dream house isn't ready yet? 

What if it's our second house? 

What if it's the house down the road or a house we buy in the future. 

What is also awful is that Crystel told me and Riley to stop crying. That triggered me too. She said it's not a partner. It's just a house. 

But it's so much more than that. 

She doesn't get it. 

I'm the one laying my financial future on the line. 

This house is a good investment. 

It is a great stepping stone towards a villa. 

One day... One day soon I hope. 

With land. For the dogs and the horses. 

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